maybe it’s not a fight against loneliness anymore. i can handle being alone. i’m not frightened by it. but what about invisibility. that seems daunting and I can’t seem to fight off this feeling that I am. I am unseen. here are some reasons: 1. i spent 3 days trying to get somewhere, anywhere, when I wasn’t allowed to go where I wanted to in the Himalayas (that might seem like it doesn’t have anything to do with invisibility, but it does, oh it does big time).
2. i lost my residency to my home. i was pushed, shoved, kicked, and beaten into surrendering my status.
3. i apparently am a resident of nowhere since I now have to pay out-of-state tuition to the place i’ve called non-home for the last five years.
4. i am now considered a threat to my old home, and put under a bureaucratic firing squad every time I enter.
5. i sat outside of a yoga studio because I was locked out and my own mother didn’t think that my absence was odd for the full hour.
6. no amount of f.booking people will get them to tell me where they were yesterday, two hours ago, a week ago, when we had planned to hang out (and this just isn’t one time, brown friend… this is all the time).
7. i spent my 20th birthday by myself and no one, not even my parents, said happy birthday to me.
8. my order is always lost.
9. and on.
10. and on.
infinity. and on….
i can’t help but feel forgetable. and it’s making me cry. is this unreasonable? to the nobodies who are reading this, this is a desperate cry for some kind of affirmation that I have existed. that my existence has mattered somewhere. but your words are falling on stuffed ears because i’m too busy noticing that my own reflection isn’t there anymore.